I have retitled this blog name in my head about 100 times and this is what I decided on. Sorry if it doesn’t fully describe what I’m gonna talk about but oh well, enjoy the blog anyway!
Today I’ve been an emotional roller coaster. My daughter leaves for college on Friday and whenever I think about it my eyes begin to leak. But I’ll save all that for another blog so you can skip it if you want to, but please don’t because if I am actually able to write it without my computer short circuiting from tears, I’m sure it will be good!
While on this roller coaster, I went to one of my favorite places, my favorite running store to get my new shoes. I know I have recommended being fitted for your running shoes but it is not just for shoes. It is for knowledge! I went in to get the shoes and then spent some quality time picking their brains.
Recently I’ve been struggling with my left foot, I seem to go through shoes faster on that side. So we laced up my new shoes and went out for a run. The salesperson (who remembers me each time but for the life of me I can’t remember his name) watched me on the first run out and then joined me to help me out. He gave me some great advice which included shortening my stride, making sure I stay over my feet and continued to emphasize running my own race.
After completing the rest of the day’s errands I did what every runner would do, I went out for a run at a local rail trail to practice what I had just been taught. I shortened my stride, stayed over my feet and it was incredible. It felt different and felt like I was slower but in all actuality, I had more energy, and was faster. I was even able to runner farther than I had planned and ran a half-marathon PR (1:55:00 almost 4 full minutes off of my first and best PR) which I hope counts or at least becomes a time to beat for my half-marathon race in October.
What a great way to end a beautiful weekend and begin what I am sure will be a tough emotional week.
The other title was going to be “Why I May Never Try a Triathlon!” but it seemed a little long.
As I was biking through the woods today on what I expected to be a well groomed, nice, rail trail but was instead a not so kept up, sometimes riddled with lots of obstacles and ending abruptly when the trail was covered by a swamp, rail trail I had this thought. The thought was, I will probably never try a triathlon. I know for some people when they have those thoughts about what they won’t do, it spurns them on to try anyway but I am not sure that will happen here. If it does I will retract this post and probably volunteer to do something embarrassing and post the evidence here on my blog. Until that day, let’s explore why I think I will never try a tri!
- Let’s start with the swimming part. I hate to be cold. So the thought of jumping into a lake (even with a wetsuit on) early in the morning makes me want to stop right there!
- Still with the swimming, I don’t usually do it very much. I know it is great for you but my gym doesn’t have a pool so really the only swimming I do is for the week we are at the lake each summer (fairly certain I would need more than that to do a tri!).
- I like biking (leisurely or as a means to get somewhere) but I am not sure I love it enough to do it for hours upon end in order to train for a tri.
- I don’t have the butt for biking. I’m really not sure it takes a special butt, but I am starting to think it does because my butt bones hurt so bad after our short 14.5 mile bike ride, that just sitting in the car was a painful experience and I have a really nice bike seat!
- I am not sure my back likes biking. I’m sore in places on my back from leaning over the handlebars that I never knew would get sore.
- I think the running would be good. I am confident I could complete the marathon part but in the end, I am not sure I could complete it after swimming and biking.
So really to sum it all up, I’m a runner! Biking and swimming are great activities to add to my running and help me “cross train” but I think I will probably stick to running as my event for entering competitions/races. However there is still the slight chance in the future where I might just lose my mind and decide to train and complete a tri and in that case everyone will be treated to something embarrassing by me (to be named at a later date if needed)! 🙂
I’m running more often. I know that is not something new or changing, okay it is changing because I am trying to do it more often. But believe it or not, I am making some changes. I believe we all need to make changes every once in a while. I think it keeps us on our toes and out of the rut. I’m speaking from experience because if you have been reading along for a while you know that I have been in a rut but have recently climbed my way out.
- Started shutting down my computer and getting away from the TV to read for at least an hour before I go to sleep. (I know this sounds like info you have heard over and over but it really works. I sleep better and I love completing a new book, a great sense of accomplishment!)
- I am taking my work a little less seriously. Not working with people but meeting the numbers. We are supposed to schedule appointments with at least 30 people and meet with 23 as a minimum. Well I’ve learned, I have no control over cancellations (especially during the summer because oddly enough people don’t want to do therapy in the summer!). So unfortunately my numbers have declined but I didn’t get into this business to hit numbers, I got into this business to help people.
- Probably one of the most beneficial things has been to run without music. I know, weird right! I didn’t think I could do it. But my ipod has been temperamental for the past two months so I haven’t used it. (so basically this was a forced event but it is good) I recently completed a 10 mile run and it was awesome. It was fast for me and I enjoyed it all, I didn’t even miss my music like I thought I would. I am wondering if I can do my next marathon without music but I will try my next half marathon in October and let you know how it goes.
Do you ever come to your blog and really want to write but not feeling inspired? I even went for a run this evening without music and try to be inspired for a blog post. I got nothin’! Then I went roaming through my blogs I read and all though they were great and I enjoyed reading them, I still got nothin’! So why write? Cause I want to! So now what to write about, well what about inspiration! That’s inspiring!
When you lack inspiration what do you do to get it? As you can tell, I tend to go for a run. Sometimes I read a book or blog. But then in the moments when I am able to be calm and reflect on my life I seek inspiration in things I have been through, things I have learned and people who mean the most to me.
One of my biggest inspirations was my Grandfather. I use to spend Saturday mornings at his house baking cinnamon rolls from scratch (if you have ever done this you know it takes a long time). When we finished, we had at least 10 pie tins of cinnamon rolls, as much as I wanted to, I could never eat that many. So what did we do with them? I use to take them to the neighbor’s houses and share our baking talents, funny the neighbors always answered the door for free baked goods! I can’t remember ever going to a door that was not answered!
As I sit here and think about my Granddad who died over 21 years ago, I am inspired by his generosity and his love for others. I feel like he is with me every day in my work when I listen to someone and a thought pops up to provide them insight it is like he is there either helping me or just providing me comfort in the thought that I can do this. I know when I run, he is there. He is cheering me on and at times even pushing me across that last finish line or last little bit of my training run.
Although I live over 1500 miles from where I use to bake cinnamon rolls with my Granddad, there is a place nearby that reminds me of him and oddly enough I am there at least once a week (usually on Thursdays). When I moved up to Massachusetts I was a little homesick and missed my family plus was unsure about this new state. I found myself driving around a lot. There was a place close by that was once an active military base that is now mainly public and driving through you can get a sense of what kinds of activities use to take place there. A large field was once used for staging of military personal before they went off to war is now used as soccer fields. The officer’s homes are now single family residences. There is history all over and when I would drive around this place, I felt a sense of peace, of calming.
Then shortly after I moved to Massachusetts, I returned to OKC for my grandmother’s funeral. When spending time with my dad after the funeral we were going through some of grandmother’s papers we found a poem that my grandfather had written to my grandmother on a piece of tree bark (I know odd right, I’m sure they had paper). The poem was beautiful but what I remember the most about it was the fact that at the top he had written the date and his location at the time of writing the poem. He was stationed at the military base in Massachusetts that I now lived near and it was written before he headed off to war. Things started coming together, the peace, the calm I got, the feeling that my Granddad is always near me especially so far from home.
Now when I drive through this military base on a weekly basis, he is all I can think of. I am comforted in knowing I am doing something he would be proud of (therapy), I am setting huge goals for myself and achieving in my running, and he is my inspiration.
Thanks for letting me share….(I guess I got inspired!)
What/Who inspires you?
I think things are finally getting back to normal (I’ve included some pics of my weekend just to show you what my normal is!). I’m exercising more (10 miles today which is the longest one I’ve run in a while), feeling more confident, and not worrying really at all (that statement alone is abnormal for me). I feel like I’m coming back to myself. But how did I get here and what I can learn so this doesn’t happen again or I can nip it in the bud if I start to feel like it is happening again.
I’m not sure. I think I just let life overwhelm me and instead of taking the reins and the control to make it happen how I wanted/needed. I’m not sure it was any one thing that I could have stop at any certain point as much as I should have stop my thinking about things. I’m not sure that makes any sense but I hope it does.
When you give up because your overwhelmed (at least for me), I go on autopilot. I try not to say those words of “I wonder what will happen next” because I feel like that just opens me up for more but I think this time by just not being present to stop the thoughts, I opened myself up to the “wonder what will happen next” type of attitude. Then I sat back and waited for it to happen. (Not very smart of me!)
So now I’m taking back the control/reins. I’m living one day at a time. I’m still getting overwhelmed with life events (hey my child is headed off to college in 12 days) but I’m trying to step back for a moment and realize that it is not the end, in fact it is a chance to make the most of today.
As I start off this new week, I’m focusing more on the things I can control and learning to better let go of the things I can’t. (I’ve heard this works!) Try it too and let me know how it goes. We are not perfect in fact the things that make us not perfect are often the best things!
Have a wonderful week, I insist! Take the reins and direct yourself to do something different, new or just be in control of something even if only for a day or a moment.
Sounds like the same person right? That’s what I use to think before I got into the therapy world and unfortunately I feel like many people who seek therapy are really only wanting advisors (this is not everyone but quite a few).
To me an advisor is like a financial advisor they tell you to put your money here and everything will turn out great. They are specific (sorry if you are a financial advisor and this is not how it works, it is just my perception). Even a close friend can be an advisor.
A Therapist/Counselor is someone who you tell your issues to and they point out things like challenges and how you have overcome them in the past and help you figure out what you learned from those challenges to help you in daily living now. They get you to think differently by looking at things differently. Never giving advice! In fact once you get into therapy and you seek advice and it is given, chances are you are not going to follow it anyway and if you do and it turns out wrong, you are going to blame the therapist who told you to do that.
Why the comparison then? Well probably just for awareness sake. I have quite a few people who sit across from me and ask, “What should I do or what would you do?” (as if how I would handle it would magically fix all their problems). Life is complicated. If you add on to everyday family life with the addition of unemployment or for that matter never been able to hold a job for very long because of the chaotic world you live in, a therapist coming in 1 hour a week or even biweekly is only going to give you someone to vent to. You have to decide to make the change. You have to want to make life better.
I’ve written quite a few times here recently about my struggles and I’m a therapist! I live in this world too. I don’t always listen to what is going on and make the best choices, but I try. And if it doesn’t work, I live with it until I can make a better choice next time. The only advice I can give is to me besides I’m the only one I listen to most of the time anyway (probably because I’m stubborn and set in my ways.)
With my work in addiction we talk about Fear. Each letter stood for something. There was the negative, F*** Everything And Run or the positive, Face Everything and Recover. These letters and this singular word have been resonating in my head lately. FEAR! Fear holds us back but can also be a motivator. I talked yesterday of facing issues or dealing with things. Well it boils down to this simple word. Or not so simple word. FEAR!
I know last night I called it a curveball but really I have been thinking more (dangerous I know) and I think it is the fear of the curveball. Or the fact that the curveball that was thrown was never called a strike or a ball (pardon me for my baseball talk) but it was left undecided. The umps couldn’t make a decision. At the moment it looked like a strike and it would have been the third one so the batter was out, but they can’t decide. Was it just another moment to learn from so they call it a ball and we move on to receive another pitch? Okay, Okay, enough of that…
Well here is the deal. A while back I found out some information that pretty much sent me for a loop. I lost some trust (which is developing back but it does take time) and now I look at things a little (okay a lot) differently. I am fearful. I fear when the next shoe will drop. I seem to look at things a little more jaded. I am just waiting for the next thing to come along until it will change, good or bad it doesn’t matter because I am trying to not become invested in it. I don’t want to get hurt. But this is not how you should live your life! Right?! You should fully invest in each day. But how do you do that each day when you have a temporary frame of mind. When you think, if only this happens things will change and it will be better.
I don’t want to be here. There is a lot of change going on and I want to enjoy every moment. I want to cherish each moment. Hey, maybe that’s it! Maybe I set myself up for this! I did choose the word cherish as my word of the year and I am more present for events (or I’m trying to be) and I’m noticing more. Maybe that is what is giving me this sense of temporariness (I know not really a word). Maybe I am just fearful because I am feeling more. My mom will tell you that I am feeling more. (She even worries that it is not healthy). I use to think it was but in some respect I am thinking it is not. I am emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat. I don’t think it is stress but it could be the fact that my world is changing so much and I am fearful of the future. I don’t know. I don’t have the answer.
So it comes down to this right now…. What would I tell my client sitting across from me who presented this problem? (Because after all, I have been trained to help with this right?!) I think the answer would be something along the lines of what do you want to do? Is this fear a good thing for you, driving you, pushing you, making your life better? Or is it a bad thing, holding you back, stressing you out and not letting you live life? For me it is holding me back. I need to Face Everything And Recover! I need to take a breath, try to live in the day, realize I only have control of this very moment and even then that is only limited to my reaction of the moment, and LIVE. So this week I choose to LIVE. I am choosing to face the fear and quit letting it consume me. I can be in charge of my feelings and my emotions. I can be in charge of how I react. So here goes. I know, I know there are only two days left but I have to start somewhere!