F.E.A.R.

fear2With my work in addiction we talk about Fear.  Each letter stood for something.  There was the negative, F*** Everything And Run or the positive, Face Everything and Recover.  These letters and this singular word have been resonating in my head lately.  FEAR!  Fear holds us back but can also be a motivator.  I talked yesterday of facing issues or dealing with things.  Well it boils down to this simple word.  Or not so simple word.  FEAR!

I know last night I called it a curveball but really I have been thinking more (dangerous I know) and I think it is the fear of the curveball.  Or the fact that the curveball that was thrown was never called a strike or a ball (pardon me for my baseball talk) but it was left undecided.  The umps couldn’t make a decision.  At the moment it looked like a strike and it would have been the third one so the batter was out, but they can’t decide.  Was it just another moment to learn from so they call it a ball and we move on to receive another pitch?  Okay, Okay, enough of that…

Well here is the deal.  A while back I found out some information that pretty much sent me for a loop.  I lost some trust (which is developing back but it does take time) and now I look at things a little (okay a lot) differently.  I am fearful.  I fear when the next shoe will drop.  I seem to look at things a little more jaded.  I am just waiting for the next thing to come along until it will change, good or bad it doesn’t matter because I am trying to not become invested in it.  I don’t want to get hurt.  But this is not how you should live your life!  Right?!  You should fully invest in each day.  But how do you do that each day when you have a temporary frame of mind.  When you think, if only this happens things will change and it will be better.  fear3

I don’t want to be here.  There is a lot of change going on and I want to enjoy every moment.  I want to cherish each moment.  Hey, maybe that’s it!  Maybe I set myself up for this!  I did choose the word cherish as my word of the year and I am more present for events (or I’m trying to be) and I’m noticing more.  Maybe that is what is giving me this sense of temporariness (I know not really a word).  Maybe I am just fearful because I am feeling more.  My mom will tell you that I am feeling more.  (She even worries that it is not healthy).  I use to think it was but in some respect I am thinking it is not.  I am emotional.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I don’t think it is stress but it could be the fact that my world is changing so much and I am fearful of the future.  I don’t know.  I don’t have the answer.

So it comes down to this right now…. What would I tell my client sitting across from me who presented this problem?  (Because after all, I have been trained to help with this right?!)  I think the answer would be something along the lines of what do you want to do?  Is this fear a good thing for you, driving you, pushing you, making your life better?  Or is it a bad thing, holding you back, stressing you out and not letting you live life?  For me it is holding me back.  I need to Face Everything And Recover!  I need to take a breath, try to live in the day, realize I only have control of this very moment and even then that is only limited to my reaction of the moment, and LIVE.  So this week I choose to LIVE.  I am choosing to face the fear and quit letting it consume me.  I can be in charge of my feelings and my emotions.  I can be in charge of how I react.  So here goes.  I know, I know there are only two days left but I have to start somewhere!

What is holding you back?  What FEAR do you have you need to face?  How are you going to do it?  I would love to hear it!fear1