I’m not okay

IMG_7763Today, I’m not okay. Yesterday I was okay, last week I was doing pretty well, heck 6 weeks ago I was planning my wedding, working hard at my job, enjoying my runs and relaxing at home after a day at work.

But you know what, today I’m not okay. I thought I was when I went to work. I thought I was doing just fine. Another day of this new normal or new Norma (that is what we call it at office because when I introduced the new plan via email, I forgot the “l”. Hence the new Norma!). Anyway, it was just going to be another day at the office. I’m only there 2 days a week right now and then I’m working from home the rest of the time. But in the middle of the day something happened, something that made the day not my new Norma but a new, new Norma! I hope that makes sense.

Well what happened you ask?

It was something simple, something that others are already doing but to me it was something new.

I was asked to wear a mask while at the office. All of a sudden I felt off. I was confused. How did this safe space I have worked in through all of this, suddenly become unsafe now?! How did what I did 5 minutes ago become, not okay right now?!

I feel like that is what is happening each day. Each day we are asked to change something about our behaviors that will help to keep us safe. But it doesn’t feel that way.

It feels…. I don’t know uncomfortable….. bizarre…. weird.

I understand the logic behind it all. Believe me, as a Director of a program, I understand the desire to keep both my employees and my clients safe. I spend most of my days right now planning, brainstorming, and figuring out how we can be safe, yet still meet the needs of the population we work with.

But today…

Today I struggled and continue to struggle over making one more step on this safety protocol.

I don’t think any of us like to live in fear and today I think that is where I am. I’m questioning about whether I’m doing enough to keep my family safe. I’m questioning about whether I’m doing enough to keep my employees and clients safe. I’m questioning how long this will continue and when we will be able to resume living life. Also what will that life look like when we resume it?

I remember reading something recently, probably on Facebook because really that is where the best information comes from (just kidding) but it went something like this.

If you were diagnosed with Covid 19 and had to tell someone all the places you have been and who you might have exposed this to, would you be ashamed or okay with it?

Or as another friend put it, did you “do your part in this”?

Part me wants to go screaming into the world and just pick up life where it left off but then there is the smarter part that says; this is only a small sacrifice for an amount of time, the length of time we don’t know yet, but for a small amount of time compared to the larger picture and the larger amount of time I have lived (almost 48yrs to be exact). Don’t be a drama queen!  Go use some skills and move past this moment of fear. Go out and enjoy the fresh spring air. Look outside later tonight and see the full moon, look at the stars. Enjoy your dinner this evening, don’t rush through it to be on to the next thing. Play with your cats, spend time listening to music, maybe even figure out what this Tiger King show is that everyone is watching. (Really, I have no idea and I am from Oklahoma.)

We are in a time of slowing down, a time we can grow if we do it right. A time of reflection and maybe even deciding who we want to be when this is over.

For me, I think I want to be less fearful of situations like these but instead find how I can grow when being tested. In the end, that is what this is. A test, pass or fail, we will get through it and let’s help others get through it as well. “Do your part”, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable because through that uncomfortableness we grow!

Oh, by the way, I think I’m okay again.  Thanks for listening.  🙂

Slacking on Juneathon but still exercising! 17,18,&19/30

Sorry about forgetting to post. Ive just been a little off but today is Friday so here is my update for the past three days…I know I’m breaking the rules but don’t tell anyone and it will be our secret!

Yesterday I ran a little over 5 miles, Wednesday I worked late so it was my rest day. Today I ran and tap danced in my recital but I will let the pics show the fun. Enjoy!

The 4 mile turn around point

The 4 mile turn around point

Love the old railroad bridge on the rail trail

Love the old railroad bridge on the rail trail

There are two of these bridges that are nice and cool  to run through.

There are two of these bridges that are nice and cool to run through.

Love this view, wish I could stay for a while but need to keep moving.

Love this view, wish I could stay for a while but need to keep moving.

Pretty good for a hot midday run.

Pretty good for a hot midday run.

Getting ready to tap away!

Getting ready to tap away!

After the performance where we tapped away and brought down the house.  Okay maybe not, but we had fun!

After the performance where we tapped away and brought down the house. Okay maybe not, but we had fun!

Happy Juneathon but most of all Happy Friday!

Janathon 14/31

Today is a rest day so that means that I have no organized activity today.  I think that work on Wednesday’s should be counted as Janathon activity.

So here is the breakdown:

Get up

Downstairs to shower and get ready

Downstairs again for breakfast

Drive to work (I won’t count this as Janathon workout!)

Up three flights to my office (always take the stairs because no way am I gonna get stuck in that elevator)

Sit down, print something, stand up to go get it at the printer down the hall (repeat several times throughout the day)

Get client at the door, meet with client in office, walk client to the door

Stand up for 1.5 hours and facilitate group

Back to – client time for the next 4 hours – with the same back and forth and stand up, sit down (totally going to count those as squats)

End the day with one for 1.5 hour standing session and facilitating group.

This is the part where I think I need one of those fitbit thingies to calculate how much I have walked!

So that is my rest day/long work day.  After 10 hours at work I’m glad to sit down and very soon head off to bed.

How was your 14th day?  Are you staying with your Janathon updates (I’m trying)?

Motivational Monday

I recently found this on pinterest (yes, as I have said many times I am an addict of Pinterest) but I thought this was really fitting.

 

Have you ever reached that point where you think you have been broken only to be pushed a little farther?  I have.  And then I finally reached that breaking point, that point I thought I could never get any worse or any harder.  I was relieved when things started to change and get better.  I also realized how strong (and awesome) I really can be.

I hope you realize that today.  You are awesome!  You can do this!

Why My Career is Just Starting

Many, many years ago I decided I would do all I could do to be able to stay at home and raise my daughter.  It was never an easy road; I didn’t have a lot of money and constantly made sacrifices.  I took jobs that were during the school day so I could be home when my child got home.  So I never started a career until now.

One of those jobs was a substitute teacher at my daughter’s school.  I liked that I could get to know the kids at the school and in some instances be part of my child’s day.  I bring this up because recently my daughter was at her school getting their senior hangout room ready with other seniors.  They all started talking about the past and someone asked my daughter “hey wasn’t your mom a substitute teacher here?”  My daughter replied, “Yes”.  To which the others replied, “She was awesome.  We loved it when she was our sub.”  When relaying this story to me my daughter said she was very proud and then told me that she brags about me all the time and she is proud of me.  That is why my career has started a little later!

I wanted to spend time with my daughter, I wanted to raise my daughter and I feel like that is what I have done and this is why my career is starting from scratch or a least it feels that way at times.

One thing I was able to do while my daughter was in school was complete my college education.  Got my bachelor’s degree in 2006 and graduated with my Masters in 2012.  I started working pretty much full time last September (but still getting home a little after 3pm each day) to be able to see my daughter before she started her afternoon activities.  I love this part of my day.  She goes on and on about how her day went and it’s awesome.

Now you are probably saying, “thanks for all the background information but what are you getting at?”  Well here goes… I have made sacrifices to accomplish different things in my life.  My goal, somewhat obviously, was to have a strong relationship with my daughter and raise her as best I could.  This does not always require someone to put themselves last but in this case it was my choice.

This was a huge choice for me but sometimes we don’t realize how little choices can change our lives.   Have you ever made a little choice and it turned into something larger?  Have you made huge choices and don’t feel you ever reaped the rewards?

Well I challenge you to take a moment and reexamine your choices.  I think if you look at things with a different perspective you will see all the benefits, all the things you have learned as well as how your life is as it is because of those choices.

Hope it turns out well and you learn a lot about yourself.  I am!