Practicing Acceptance

DSC_0415Yesterday was one of those days we long for in New England.  Snow on the ground, streets were mostly dry with some melting due to the temps being in the high 40’s low 50’s and the sun brilliantly shining.  It was one of those days that says, “Take advantage of me, GET OUTSIDE AND RUN!!”  So after letting it warm up, putting me starting at noon (which is okay by me) I was out, out in the fresh air (sorry treadmill), out stretching my legs, RUNNING!

It was slow!  I felt like the tortoise, slow and steady wins the race.  Now I know my slow is other peoples fast but for me it was strange.  I kept telling myself we are going for distance here not speed.  But yet every time Garmin chimed, I looked down and saw the pace and then the mental had to start again.  “Slow and steady is the training.  You will speed up in the marathon.  Leggy’s need to stretch and get their distance in!”  (Am I the only one who talks to themselves in 3rd person while I run or do anything for that matter?)

the beginning of an uphill section

the beginning of an uphill section

So on and on I plodded away at my favorite running place.  Sinking in to a comfortable pace and just trying to listen to what my body wanted to do today.  The sun felt great on my face and even gave me a little bit of tan between where my capri pants ended and my socks began. (Good thing I won’t be wearing shorts anytime soon because it does look a little odd)  I don’t run with music anymore but sometimes think I should again so instead I found myself thinking and singing songs in my head.  The song that went on and on for a little bit was “Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day, I’ve got a beautiful feeling, everything’s going my way”  (PS – that’s all I know of it so it was just going through my head over and over).  Then of course there were some country songs going through the head to because I had just driven over to this place and that was what was on the radio.

Military Cemetary I run by.

Military Cemetary I run by.

As I got through the early miles, I had become okay with just doing this for distance.  When I got to around mile 8, I felt great.  I started thinking, this is my favorite mile.  I even smiled and it made it feel better.  I thought this is what running is about, this enjoyment right here!  It carried on through miles 9 and 10 and I kept thinking, wow, I’m halfway done with my goal today, which was 20 miles.

Then the tires starting coming off, okay it was the mind taking over again and I couldn’t figure out how to shut down.  I made it to mile 12 and then looked up, the hill!  There was no way around it.  I had to go up.  I set myself up for it too.  I had planned this.  Why, because I’m crazy, oh and there are quite a few hills in the last part of my marathon so this was supposed to help me train.  (I’m not sure I mentioned but this course I run for training seems to be nothing but hills which I hope will translate into being ready)  Mentally, I decided, don’t look at your watch, just one foot in front of the other and do it.  So on I went more plodding.  Making it to the top in what seemed like hours but really was about 3 miles of reminding myself why I’m doing this and saying, it’s not really that bad (oh the things we tell ourselves).

There I was 15 miles in, took my last fuel and said, Yeah, only 5 more miles to go (another trick I tell myself, break it down into chunks and I’d already run 15 miles so what is 5 more!).

Seems like everything is uphill!

Seems like everything is uphill!

Fortunately I got to go down so it felt great, okay not great but doable, little slower than I wanted but doable.  At mile 17 I got that side cramp, you know the one, the one your body says, “Walk” but your mind says “just breath you can do this”, then your body wins because after all it is the one who is doing the work.  Not wanting to give in completely because again the goal is 20 miles not 17.5 or 18, you try the walk, jog method only to be beaten down by the body again, yelling this time because obviously you weren’t listening, “Stop, I’m done this is not a race this is training and I want to go home!  Forget that it is a beautiful morning, forget that it is a beautiful day!”

Some new territory that I haven't run through.

Some new territory that I haven’t run through.

So I listened (only after I pushed it to 18 miles) but I listened.  I stopped, well I had to walk the half mile to my car after I stopped but I stopped.  Then I began the beating myself up.  You know the one, the one where you say, “Yeah you made it to 18 but you missed your goal!”  I hate that talk.  I tried what I tell all my clients to do, the reframing thing which would sound like this, “You just ran 18 miles on a beautiful day and enjoyed most of it!  You just got outside and stretched your legs and completed the most miles you ever had in a week.”  (I might have added, so shut up and suck it up buttercup right there at the end but it was my motivation talk and I think it is working today and it did work yesterday too.)

I need to find less hilly places to run but it is just so pretty!

I need to find less hilly places to run but it is just so pretty!

All of this to say we are hard on ourselves and I don’t just mean us runners, I mean us humans.  The expectations we have are great because that is what keeps us moving forward and achieving new things.  But how you move past disappointment really creates true character.  I like to set another goal, rethink what I could have done differently (only to help me prepare better, not to beat myself up), look at the highlights within the adventure (loved miles 8-10), plan for another day and my word of the year, acceptance.  I have to accept that this was the best I could do today and be glad that I got to do it!

One of my favorite slogans is “When you know better, you do better” and I think this really does apply to life.  We make better choices with more knowledge.  We speak to ourselves kinder if we realize we did the best we could today.

So my body wants to rest today due to being pushed beyond its limits yesterday and guess what, that is what it gets!

Happy Sunday!

Up since 4:45 and Hangry!

hangry1Do you ever have those moments in your life where you stop and say, “What the heck?”?

I had one of those today and I kind of got mad at myself.  I was angry with everyone.  I had been up since 4:45am and only eaten one time at 8am and I realized it was 4 pm in the afternoon and I was mad.  I didn’t want to be mad, I didn’t want to be hangry (that is what we call so hungry, I’m angry mood I slip into now and then).  It seemed like things were going bad and I was frustrated!

It all started with having to be at the hospital early for a surgery (not for me).  Things went really well and I was all excited about getting to leave on time to be able to get home, have lunch and then get to my afternoon appointment.  But sadly that is not what happened.  There was nothing tragic, it was just that time seemed to slip away.  Before I knew it I was having to rush to an appointment at 2:30 without lunch (meaning the only meal I had eaten was at 8am and now all I had eaten were the m&m’s I brought to the hospital, gotta have my chocolate but I had water to make sure some of my eating was healthy).  My appointment was a follow-up to an appointment I had on Tuesday so I was scared and nervous already because in my eyes it can never be good if they call you back to run more tests/another mammogram and ultrasound a few days later.

My appointment went okay, I discovered I need to find a new imaging center because the radiologist was a complete jerk and seemed to have no bedside manner, but everything was okay.  I just now get the assignment of going back and doing it over again in 6 months.  So the “hanger” set in more.  I started saying to myself, “I’m in the best shape of my entire life, why do they have to find things like this now.”  There isn’t much to talk about because it is really nothing but a cyst, I’m very hopeful.  But it was more in how I was treated.  Sometimes other women (specifically doctors) don’t seem to have the bedside manner towards others that is needed especially when it comes to breast health (there I said it, “boobies need love too”).  Hangry

Well anyway, my “hanger” has a mind of its own at times.  And as I drove home, I found myself very tense and critical of other drivers.  I was not happy!  But now I began to realize it and began to think, “What the heck?”  Which is then proceeded by “How the heck do I get out of it?”  Well, I think you know the answer, just eat something you crazy woman!  Hey, guess what, that is what I did once I got home.  (I can’t say as that handled it right away but I did feel better)  There was more to getting out of the “hanger” though.

One, I had to realize it!  Two, I had to make a change.  Three, I had to follow through!

Isn’t that the way all change happens?!  Why is it so hard for any of us to do?  I don’t know about you but I don’t like to feel out of control and that is what “hangry” makes me.  But really in order to stop this behavior, I had to realize how I was acting, decide to do something about it and then do it!

So in the end, hunger + not eating + getting up before the crack-a** of dawn = Hangry Shanna!  And the best remedy I have (because I can’t control other people and their behaviors) is to eat regularly and go to bed early tonight to recover!

Happy Friday! hangry3

How to say “Goodbye” & Janathon 30/31

goodbye1If you follow my blog you have probably caught on that recently I accepted a job with a new company and over the past two weeks I have had the constant daily torture of saying goodbye.  It has been exhausting!

For most people who work in offices and deal with people maybe through customer service, saying goodbye is exciting.  It means you are moving on to new opportunities and hopefully a pay raise if you do it right!

Well I am moving on to new opportunities and a pay raise but my saying goodbye is a little more upsetting.  Most of my clients I have had for a while (at least 6 months) so they have told me those things that bother them and we have worked together to come up with a way to make these things better.  I have never thought they rely on me and in fact I don’t want that to be true.  I want them to realize they are the ones who have made the changes, I am just the one across the table they are trusting to help them.  And therein lies the problem. goodbye

The trust!

I love that they trust me.  I love that I can build such a bond with them, but I want them to be able to move on too.  I want them to believe in themselves and that they can have the confidence to continue to work through their problems with another therapist sitting across from them because they are ready to do it.  This is the message that I have said over 40 times in the past two weeks.  Some believe me and buy into it, while others just look at me with tearful eyes that I am abandoning them and they will never be able to make it.

Well this has taken its toll on this therapist.  So much so that at the end of the day today, I came home and took a nap.  I’ve been sleeping well and exercising but the mental exhaustion that comes from saying goodbye is overwhelming.

I would love to come up with 5 simple steps to say goodbye and then utilize that but it’s not there right now.  I guess the best advice to saying goodbye would be these:

  1. Be real and genuine.
  2. Don’t promise you will see them again but maybe say something like “our paths may cross again”
  3. If a therapist or mentor role, I have found it helpful in exploring the things the person has learned and the progress they have made since you started with them.
  4. Let the other person express their goodbye too
  5. A smile and a warm touch (on the back) has been the most successful finish to a relationship.

So I guess that is my ways to say goodbye.

Tomorrow is my last day and there are just a few people left on my caseload.  I am looking forward to my week off to recoup after such a trying time but really I have grown.  I have learned better ways to word things, how to process this with clients, and I know that I need to plan lots of exercise to de-stress if I ever have to do this again!

As far as the exercise goes it was not much after yesterday’s triumphant 100 mile completion in fact it was absolutely none (well there is the regular day to day stuff like taking the stairs at work and standing while I eat but not sure those count) until I decided to just throw down a couple of 1 minute planks and some stretching just to help the legs feel better after yesterday’s run.

Look out Janathon, tomorrow you end but I feel like I have successfully completed you!!!!

Happy 30th day of January/Janathon!goodbye2

Counting down to the end of several things (Janathon 23/31)

rough dayToday was a rough day.  It wasn’t rough because it was bad, it was rough because I am having to do something over and over that hurts.  It not only hurts me but it hurts the other person I am doing it to.  No matter how I do it, it hurts and as I try and try it is not getting any easier.  But as I do this I am counting down.  I am counting down to the 31st.  I am excited about what this day will bring but I am also sad about what this date means.

Have you figured it out…..

It is not that it will be the end of Janathon on the 31st even though it is.  I am looking forward to regaining my fun blogs of insightful therapy things and not giving you the latest update on my work-out (because truly it begins to feel like I am bragging about my very boring training I am doing right now.)  But I will miss daily blogging so maybe I can figure out a way to incorporate the philosophy of blogging daily with some fun stuff.

So the bigger thing I am counting down the end to is my job.  I will be changing jobs at the end of the month (the 31st is my last day and then I’m taking a week vacation to relax before the next one starts).  I am excited about the new challenges, the new company and the new experiences but yet leaving my clients is overwhelmingly hard.  I have loved working with each and every one of them and unfortunately they are not ready to be discharged so they are still in the “I need help” stage.  I get that.  I want to leave them with security that I believe in what they have learned already, they will be okay, and really they are the ones who are doing all the work I have just been there to guide them along the way.  It doesn’t seem to be working.  I mean it is working for some who are farther along but others have struggled to process this and one actually told me, “I’m following you to your next place.”  Unfortunately that is not an option, if it were, I would take them all!  A good thing is that I begin to feel really valued by my clients and all those days that I felt as if I struggled to help them make connections, they really were listening!rough day1

So I am counting down to the fact I only have to do this (say Goodbye) about 20 more times between now and next Friday and of course with all this discomfort I am more focused on getting to the gym and going for a run.   Here is my Janathon update for 23/31:

8.5 miles at 8:34 pace

105 squats

90 crunches

90 side crunches

Planks and side planks

Sexy Arm workout (because I’m gonna get those arms!)

20 minutes with my BFF – foam roller

Happy 23rd day of January/Janathon!

Fear and balancing the checkbook

checkbookI begin to think no one does this but me.  Balancing a checkbook.  My daughter and I had a conversation the other day about how to balance a checkbook and she has never had to do this.  She has a debit account (also known as a checking account) but now a days they don’t even give them temporary checks to utilize.  I am beginning to wonder if anyone else uses checks (albeit just about 5 a month) but I use them.  I think her belief is she just keeps checking her account and if there is cash in there she can spend it (which is okay when you don’t have outstanding bills you paid by checks and you are waiting for them to be cashed.)  I guess one of these days I will have to teach her how to balance a checkbook but that won’t be today.

However this isn’t about checks but more about balancing or fears we have that distort our attempts to balance things.  I find myself avoiding the checkbook once the fear4statement comes in.  I know it needs to be balanced, I know I need to make sure I know what monies are left in my account but I don’t always want to know down to the exact penny.  This is weird coming from a person who always wants to be in control and even stresses as we spend, spend, spend especially during the holidays.  But some days I just want the mysterious bank fairy to deposit enough cash in the account so I don’t have to worry.  In reality when I do spend the 20 minutes balancing everything out in Quicken, I realize I have more monies than I thought I did and I am at ease (well at least for the evening until we start spending again).  I think this is sometimes how I live my days.

I know I need to do some things but yet I plug on and on and avoid the obvious things and just do the easier things.  I will clean the house to avoid writing a paper (okay it doesn’t happen right now but when I was in college).  I find myself opening up my computer to do something but instead of doing it I will waste my evening on Pinterest (not really wasting, there are some great ideas on there which I will probably not do half but I have them pinned just in case).  And yet one more example I need to sign up for my licensure test so I printed out the form, left it on the printer for days, finally got all the paperwork finished, couldn’t find an envelop big enough so had to buy one (it took days), got the envelop and addressed it, and it took a few more days to add postage and send.  In all I filled out the form towards the end of November and finally sent it a few days before Christmas.  Why?  Because of fear of the unknown or at least that is what it feels like.

If I spent as much time getting stuff done and as I did avoiding certain things who knows where I would be.  Well I would probably be where I am but more than likely some things in my life would be different.  I’m not making a resolution for the new year to do things differently mainly because I like to set goals and not resolutions and this is really a change I need to make to make things better for myself forever and not just for 2014.  So I guess what I am saying is that facing these little fears of everyday life is a goal for me.  I already know the relief I feel when I do it so now I just need to implement it.

Are there fears that you need to face in 2014?  Will you do it? 

Come balance your checkbook with me so you don’t have to worry ridiculously!fear5

Stuck

Sometimes I feel like this!  Stuck!

Sometimes I feel like this! Stuck!

 

I’m stuck.  Or is it fear?  Probably both.  Maybe even lack of motivation!  Why don’t we throw in all kinds of stuff to describe where I am right now.  I haven’t really had a blog entry in a little while because of all of these emotions.  So I am hoping that by writing about it I can let it go and it can be cured by this simple processing act (afterall, I ask my clients to do it!). 

Here is the situation… I’m not is great space and I think it is a multitude of things.

  1. It’s the holidays and all though I enjoy them, they are stressful and expensive.  Not to mention my job gets really hard during this time of year so I have to work extra hard to not let others issues get in my space (which believe me is VERY difficult).
  2.  My runs are not going well (which doesn’t help #1).  When I ran the Turkey trot and got my new PR I noticed my right hip/top part of my hamstring has been hurting and I can’t figure out how to make it feel better.  My runs have been at the gym (except for one or two outside when I got done with work early) and I haven’t been able to run more than an hour and last night I could only run 3 miles.  I am hoping this is only a bad run night and I am hoping by taking today off that I can get a better run in tomorrow (maybe even a 10 miler).
  3. I need to take my licensure exam for my profession and it scares the pants off me!  Okay maybe my pants are staying on, but I don’t like to take tests.  I like the idea that I am helpful and I think I’m pretty good at what I do (that’s very hard to say but I’m getting more confident) and I understand why they have to test but can’t I just get a waiver for good behavior!  So I’ve printed out the form to sign up for the test (which by the way takes 4 weeks for them to process the paperwork to get you signed up for a test date of about 3-4 months away), I’ve filled it out but I’m not ready to write the expensive check and mail it.  (maybe that brings us back to the holidays and how things begin to add up quick during them!)  (Can someone show me how to make more money so I don’t have to worry about money anymore?! Please!!) 
  4. I’m starting to think I am complaining to much so really number 4 is just me saying maybe it is time to just “suck it up and become unstuck!” 

What’s the plan to get unstuck?  Well if I was my client (we all know that I am my own worst client), I would ask myself to pick one of the 3 things I listed (remember #4 doesn’t count) and work on it!  I guess I will do number 3 because really that is the one that I have some control over.  #2 I just need to listen to my body and let it happen and not push too hard because I have a lot of time until that marathon in April.  #1 is a little out of my control too.  My clients are doing pretty well right now and I can only help them one day at a time and as far as the expense of the holidays I think I just need to suck it up.  We always spend too much so this should not surprise me and be glad that it only happens once a year! christmas tree

The good news is that at least by writing this I was able to process being stuck and I think tomorrow I will begin my unsticking.  Tonight,however, I will enjoy my glass of wine, relax by the Christmas tree, and dream of warmer weather to run in!

Nerves and Stressors

stressedI’m beginning to think these are the same things.  I get stressed about things that make me nervous.  For instance, I’m nervous about a half marathon coming up this weekend.  Oddly, I am not stressed about the actual running it is more about the weather.  This weekend it was predicting cold and rainy on Sunday and since I will be driving 2 hours to get there and spending the weekend I was overwhelmed with nerves.  What do I take?  What do you run in?  When I have run in the rain in the past it has been close to home and if I get uncomfortable, I just go home.  But that is not something that can happen with this event.  It’s a race! 

Then I started thinking maybe I should just go buy out the store for rain apparel but I’ve never run in that and I am not sure I want to run a race in new stuff.  Especially when it is a half marathon, if it was shorter race than wearing something new would not be that big of a deal.

So I stress, I have nerves, and I try to figure things out…

The good thing is I am finding this stress motivating.  Tonight I ran the fastest training run I have run to date.  It was only 3.41 miles but I pushed myself.  I did it knowing that my race on Sunday is much longer and that I would never be able to keep this pace (7:41 per mile) for 13.1 miles but I knew I needed to get it out there.  I needed to push past the same old training run of improving only a few seconds at a time.  I loved when my other half said, “are you hitting a new level?!”  Because is some respects I am.  I’m listening better to my body.  I’m pushing myself to get the most and trying to not push myself to getting hurt. stressed1

In work and every day I am trying to do the same thing.  I am setting better boundaries and not letting uncontrollable things control my mood.  I have days I’m in a funk but finding it a little easier to get out.  I am also not as hard on myself about things.  I think we should all do this.  Learn from me, don’t repeat my same mistakes!

PS – I just checked the weather for this weekend and it seems to be getting better and the chance of rain is leaving.   Here is hoping it waits until the race is over!

Letting go…

umass1Well it finally happened.  Last Friday I had to let my little girl go off to college or should I say we had to drop my little girl off at college.  I did pretty good or at least I thought I did good for me!

We had a nice easy drive of about 50-55 minutes to the western part of the state with our Dunkin Donuts in hand because around here, “You can’t do anything without Dunkins!”  As we approached I started to get butterflies because I kept thinking, this is it, or this is the beginning, you decide.  We followed their maze to check-in which if you have about 4500 college students moving in together a maze of cones and streamlined check-in away from dorms is the way to go.umass

Anyway it went so fast.  All of sudden we were unloading the car, carrying things (with the help of volunteers) up 7 flights of stairs (nothing but the penthouse for my kid!), and then setting up her room.  Then we were off to buy her books (good thing her major is dance so we spent less than $200).  After a quick dinner, it was time.  The time that I kept putting off but knew it would have to come.

The butterflies of earlier came back, the fears of leaving her at college began to overwhelm, but I knew with confidence she would be fine.  We said our “Goodbyes” and took the last pic and drove away.  That is when it began… the tears.  Hey, I made it out of the college driveway before they started but they started.  I was beginning to finally let go or have I really been letting go all these years and now the reality of it set in.

I think you start letting go once kids can do things on their own.  You let go of doing it for them, although there were times that it would have been easier to just do it for them!  You start letting go when they go to school and look back over their shoulder and smile and their little wave.  You are letting go when they spend the night at their friend’s house, go to summer camp, or spend a week with their grandparents.  These moments give you a glimpse of what the future might be (albeit a short lived one because it is usually only a week at a time).  You are letting go when you see them come mackout on stage all by themselves and dance their little hearts out always leaving you breathless and overwhelmed that you produced that beautiful being on stage.  You start letting go when they begin to drive and finally pass their driving test and then they are driving themselves everywhere with no help from mom or dad (well except for filling the gas tank).  You are letting go when they go out on a date or stay out late with friends and make it home before their curfew (which better happen if they know what is good for them!).

So I guess I didn’t really let go for the first but it might have been the final realization that I no longer have control.  I have worked hard for 19 years on this umass2project of creating a wonderful human being with morals, values, independence and many other incredible attributes who I am proud to say “I have no control over”.  She is a force to be reckoned with and will do well at everything she puts her mind too.  I now need to focus on what/who I am without her daily presence in my life.  Maybe that is the other part of letting go…the new creation of me.  Maybe that is what I’m scared of.  For 19 years I been identified as her mother, I had friends and acquaintances through her and because of her.  Now it’s time to really do this on my own.  Well this outta be fun……….umass3

Coming Back….

hiking1

Fun easy 4 mile hike but sadly no chocolate at the chocolate pot. Also no one else on the trails.

I think things are finally getting back to normal (I’ve included some pics of my weekend just to show you what my normal is!).  I’m exercising more (10 miles today which is the longest one I’ve run in a while), feeling more confident, and not worrying really at all (that statement alone is abnormal for me).  I feel like I’m coming back to myself.  But how did I get here and what I can learn so this doesn’t happen again or I can nip it in the bud if I start to feel like it is happening again.

I’m not sure.  I think I just let life overwhelm me and instead of taking the reins and the control to make it happen how I wanted/needed.  I’m not sure it was any one thing that I could have stop at any certain point as much as I should have stop my thinking about things.  I’m not sure that makes any sense but I hope it does.

When you give up because your overwhelmed (at least for me), I go on autopilot.  I try not to say those words of “I wonder what will happen next” because I feel like that just opens me up for more but I think this time by just not being present to stop the thoughts, I opened myself up to the “wonder what will happen next” type of attitude.  Then I sat back and waited for it to happen.  (Not very smart of me!)

So now I’m taking back the control/reins.  I’m living one day at a time.  I’m still getting overwhelmed with life events (hey my child is headed off to college in 12 days) but I’m trying to step back for a moment and realize that it is not the end, in fact it is a chance to make the most of today.

As I start off this new week, I’m focusing more on the things I can control and learning to better let go of the things I can’t.  (I’ve heard this works!)  Try it too and let me know how it goes.  We are not perfect in fact the things that make us not perfect are often the best things!

hiking

Have to have some pics with us and the view as well as the view of the Connecticut River at the bottom.

Have a wonderful week, I insist!  Take the reins and direct yourself to do something different, new or just be in control of something even if only for a day or a moment.

F.E.A.R.

fear2With my work in addiction we talk about Fear.  Each letter stood for something.  There was the negative, F*** Everything And Run or the positive, Face Everything and Recover.  These letters and this singular word have been resonating in my head lately.  FEAR!  Fear holds us back but can also be a motivator.  I talked yesterday of facing issues or dealing with things.  Well it boils down to this simple word.  Or not so simple word.  FEAR!

I know last night I called it a curveball but really I have been thinking more (dangerous I know) and I think it is the fear of the curveball.  Or the fact that the curveball that was thrown was never called a strike or a ball (pardon me for my baseball talk) but it was left undecided.  The umps couldn’t make a decision.  At the moment it looked like a strike and it would have been the third one so the batter was out, but they can’t decide.  Was it just another moment to learn from so they call it a ball and we move on to receive another pitch?  Okay, Okay, enough of that…

Well here is the deal.  A while back I found out some information that pretty much sent me for a loop.  I lost some trust (which is developing back but it does take time) and now I look at things a little (okay a lot) differently.  I am fearful.  I fear when the next shoe will drop.  I seem to look at things a little more jaded.  I am just waiting for the next thing to come along until it will change, good or bad it doesn’t matter because I am trying to not become invested in it.  I don’t want to get hurt.  But this is not how you should live your life!  Right?!  You should fully invest in each day.  But how do you do that each day when you have a temporary frame of mind.  When you think, if only this happens things will change and it will be better.  fear3

I don’t want to be here.  There is a lot of change going on and I want to enjoy every moment.  I want to cherish each moment.  Hey, maybe that’s it!  Maybe I set myself up for this!  I did choose the word cherish as my word of the year and I am more present for events (or I’m trying to be) and I’m noticing more.  Maybe that is what is giving me this sense of temporariness (I know not really a word).  Maybe I am just fearful because I am feeling more.  My mom will tell you that I am feeling more.  (She even worries that it is not healthy).  I use to think it was but in some respect I am thinking it is not.  I am emotional.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I don’t think it is stress but it could be the fact that my world is changing so much and I am fearful of the future.  I don’t know.  I don’t have the answer.

So it comes down to this right now…. What would I tell my client sitting across from me who presented this problem?  (Because after all, I have been trained to help with this right?!)  I think the answer would be something along the lines of what do you want to do?  Is this fear a good thing for you, driving you, pushing you, making your life better?  Or is it a bad thing, holding you back, stressing you out and not letting you live life?  For me it is holding me back.  I need to Face Everything And Recover!  I need to take a breath, try to live in the day, realize I only have control of this very moment and even then that is only limited to my reaction of the moment, and LIVE.  So this week I choose to LIVE.  I am choosing to face the fear and quit letting it consume me.  I can be in charge of my feelings and my emotions.  I can be in charge of how I react.  So here goes.  I know, I know there are only two days left but I have to start somewhere!

What is holding you back?  What FEAR do you have you need to face?  How are you going to do it?  I would love to hear it!fear1